My harsh realization.

   Do you ever get that feeling when you walk into a room and you look around at everyone having spirited conversations. Everyone glances at you as if they don't know what to say to you. It makes you feel like you should have never gone into the room in the first place. Like you don't belong. Like there is something wrong with you or there's a strange thing stuck to your face and nobody wants to tell you it's there.

This is what I feel in regards to my family. I don't hate them for the way they treat me, it's just irritating as hell. Especially now that I have a kid. When she is old enough she will ask me why she has never met my family such as cousins, aunts and uncles. It's not up to me, it's just what happened.

What's even more irritating is that everytime I would go to a family event everyone comes up to me and says how happy they are to see me. Then how come you never invite me to the family BBQ's or to the family Weddings or even call to say hello. It wouldn't be such a big deal if these were family members that I never met. These are family members that I would see almost every weekend growing up. I do understand a little bit as to what is going on.

Growing up, I was raised a little differently. Not raised in the normal sense which would be your parents telling you the difference of right and wrong, this and that. I was raised by wolves, as I like to say. I tried my best to keep myself removed form all the crap, dealings and drama that plagued our family. I did this by discovering Video Games and BMX, which I found to be great distraction. I would still attend events that would always end horribly due to the toxic dynamic that is my entire family. They did their best to shelter me from it but I always knew what was going on and still do.

I seemed to be used to this by the time I was older. This was made quite evident when me and my wife were invited to my brothers for a family get together, a first after years of no contact. We stood out as soon as we arrived dressed in what we believed to be appropriate attire for a family event. Of course I was the only one not wearing a sports jersey but rather a polo button up. A sketchy ice cream truck rolled down the street and I thought I would point out that he was not dealing in Ice cream but rather in drugs. It was obvious. The looks that I received from everyone present was something else. Here was the whitest boy at the party, only one dressed in a polo and khakis, pointing out the obvious that they did not think was obvious. I don't know if they were proud that I noticed, scared that I noticed or just shocked at what I said. I assume the second. Only a couple more get togehters after this before I was out casted by the same brother who was hosting the event. Now mind you... I was not out of line with my observation. Everyone present was an avid user of whatever extra curricular substance that the Ice Cream man supplied. Which always made me wonder if that was why he was driving past the house so shady-like.

That summer I was treated to seeing pictures of my family all together at BBQ's and get togethers. I thought I was back in with the family, embraced in the stereotypical bond that is family. I was not. I still did not fit in even though we all came from the same upbringing, I just handled it better.. I do my best to keep in touch until recently when I decided that it was a stupid idea to keep in touch. There was no benefit on either side for me to contact anyone and besides, I am tired of everyone looking at me and assuming that I thought I was above all of them. In most cases I very much am. But I never acted in a way that would give this intention.

The point of this rant is to allow others to feel OK with their not so close relationship with their family. Some families are meant to be broken down and started elsewhere and sometimes families don't work out.