Bad Dream, thanks Mom...

So this is the first mothers day holiday to come since the passing of my mother. I will admit that in the past there has not been a whole lot of honorary celebrating done when it came to my mother. Our relationship usually did not allow it but this being the first year without her really hit me. Even though most of my time was taken by honoring my wonderful wife and all that she does as a mother it was still hard hard to clear my head. As odd as it may seem, I wish that I could at least call to say Happy Mothers Day to her despite whatever mindset or condition she was in at the given moment. Just to hear her say thank you once again for calling would be enough.

This thought followed me into my sleep and gave me quite a dream. I'll consider it a nightmare on account of how it made me feel when I woke up. It was a strange dream, taking place at my high school graduation party, which never happened in real life. My mother was there causing a mess, yelling at me the whole time. I kept jumping into a pool to hide from her. During this dream, everyone at the party was sitting around a table eating. My mother was across the room yelling at me again. She became very angry and began to toss plates and pots, I think, at me. Nobody seemed to see what was happening so I stood up and my mom continued throwing things at me while yelling at me. I slowly walked up to her and she said, "Why are you ignoring me?". My response was "Because you're not here, you died." She didn't believe me and I then had to convince her that she had passed away. She then gave me a hug and began to cry saying how sorry she was. She then walked away from me looking sad. This image is still burning in my damn head and I can't stop thinking about it.

I then woke up with a knot in my throat. I imagine that the emotions from the dream woke me up. I did not go back to sleep. It got me wishing again that I could get just one more quick Happy Mothers Day phone call with her. As brief as it may have been, it would feel so great to hear her voice again. This was not meant to take away from the wonderful time that we had on Mothers Day. I prepared a very nice lunch for my wife and our grandmother, better known as Nanny. It was a very nice time and there was plenty of love around our table.

What could this dream have resembled? I never got to say goodbye to her so maybe it was her way of reaching out to me in some strange way to let me know that she was still there somewhere. The way that she passed would suggest that she was not ready to go and that she may have still been around wondering why the hell everyone was ignoring her. I would like to think that the way that the dream ended was some sort of way for her to get some understanding in the past life that I was sorry that she is no longer here and that she can rest  peacefully. Trust me when I say that I know this sounds crazy but when you lose your family like this then you start seeing life in a whole new light that you can't explain. I look at people now that are arguing with family and I just think to myself all the times that I fought with my mom and how I wish I hadn't.

Just one phone call...

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